"I was born a third generation Jehovah's Witness, My Grandparents on both sides had found the "truth"..."
Tim's StoryI was born a third generation Jehovah's Witness, My Grandparents on both sides had found the "truth" It's always caught me as funny that my mothers mother found the "truth" because her son was born very ill and died, her church condemned him to hell as he was not baptized. Yet years later, it was alright to let go of me so easily...... I was born in 1949, in 2003 I am 54. I remember knocking on my first door at age 6. I was baptized as a teenager, my cousin and I in a race to impress a female (go figger), I still didn't even know what being gay was so I was trying to act out all I knew. I never really recognized this baptism as it wasn't really a dedication, I always knew that I would have to renew it someday to make it truth, and did, not as a Jehovah's Witness. I look back and know that I was born Gay, indeed I know of homosexuals in at least three immediate generations of my fathersside of the family. There were many unmarried men prior to that in the genealogy. I truly believe it is genetic. Of course I didn't know I was gay young, I was raised in a small town in Montana and I never even heard of a gay person, well I was teased in high school about being "queer" but never took it as literal, I did look at the boys more than the girls, always thought I was jealous of how they dressed or something, and why did I sneak those muscle magazines. I'm not attracted to the gym bunnies today, but I think that was all there was in those days. I had sex with a couple of my close male cousins, "messing around" but it was I who said "we should stop this it's not right, with my "straight" cousin trying to talk me out of it" hmmmm. I came out at age 18 after leaving home, I had graduated high school, worked a year in a lumber mill (loved it) but my back gave out and I got that scholarship to go to "Beauty School" I was always artistically talented. A girlfriend there introduced me to my first gay male a very effeminate but likable guy. One nite he talked me into cruising the streets in a car in the city cruise area. This was before Stonewall so even though there was a gay bar people couldn't even touch on another. Well there was hoping in and out of the car and talking to other people. At one point the gay boy hoped back in the car and said that guy really liked you but I told him you weren't gay, So my old teasing self said "Now wait a min. you didn't ask me!" I was joking but I ended up with a man that "brought out" many gay men. The next morning he said you better get your ass out on the streets with the rest of the gay boys, and............ I did, I was complete, It was wonderful, I was who I always was, it fit like a great shoe, and I knew I could no longer live a front. Being the honest person I was, and not to conservative ever, I told my folks rather soon. Guess what? they told me that if I didn't turn myself in, they would do it for me....... I did, I went to the congregation there in Spokane Washington and told them and they disfellowshiped me.
Phase Two..... I didn't stay in Spokane long, I soon moved to Portland Oregon, it was the late 60's, flower children ...... and all that went with it, and what do we do when condemned........ well might aswell.... condemned anyhow right?.......Sex, drugs, and rock-and-roll......Iwas a "go/go" boy in a bar that is unbelievably still here, before I was even of age. Timothy Leary was my best friend, and with that all kinds of metaphysical insights naturally. This was of course pre HIV, youngsters today could never even imagine how it was then. Sodom and Gomorrah probably comes closest now that I think of it, but it didn't matter anyway so I did it, I was condemned. Then in my mid twenties (I find years later in studying that this is a time in life that many find a need for some kind of spirituality) I was called home to a funeral, my grandmother wanted me there and sent the money, my brothers two children had been killed. I went. You guessed it no one even talked to me except my immediate family, they still could in those days except for spiritual matters. But as you might guess, I saw witnessing going on all around me and I missed it somehow. They convinced me that if I caming back, God would take my homosexuality away from me........... I bought it..... we came back for my things and worked all nite moving me so my friends couldn't contact me and talk me out of it. It took over a year to be reinstated. it was hell, but I made it, I don't think the elders ever trusted me after though, Mr. straights they were, I had been a fagot....... I married, to help it, and I was supposed to, I confessed to my wife before the wedding, she had known, small world, someone from Portland happened to work with her and told her, I was living in North Idaho (Sandpoint) Three years later my daughter was born. Sex was very hard it was always a "responsibility" never a pleasure. After a few years I realized that I really didn't believe I could be a Jehovah's Witness. I remained encouraging of my wife's interest. I was a very successful business person around this time and kept myself busy with that, I traveling out of town occasionally for business, caught myself sneaking a cigarette. I didn't like it and stopped, not long after that the elders knocked on my door. "We hear you are smoking" Evidently the JW girl I had working for me had detected it and did her good deed as a"police person" I told them I had quit, they said well if you aren't doing it there is no reason for us to be here and started to leave. I said "wait" "I really choose not to be a JW anymore, but I don't wish to be disfellowshiped again, it never hurt me, but brought allot of hurt to my family, I don't believe there is but was wondering if there was any way to leave the organization without that happening, I have no ill feelings or disrespect for JW's, just don't want to be one." They said actually there is (to my surprise) they were very nice about this, they said during the war brothers that wanted to serve simply asked for their names to be stricken from the rolls and therefore they could not be disfellowshiped as they were not members. They told me to simply write a letter to the congregation asking for my name to be removed from the rolls. I ask will brothers and sisters be able to speak to me? They said, that will be strictly a matter of conscience. Some will some will not on their own. I said that is reasonable, I wrote the letter, it was very nice wishing them no disrespect, leaving them with my love. They read the letter aloud at the Friday nite meeting, immediately there after instructed everyone in the congregation to NOT speak to me........ Our marriage deteriorate after that, rather naturally, I knew that divorce was unavoidable, it was hard having a daughter I loved very much, she was 3 years old. I eventually met a man in my travels that ask me to leave my wife, I thought I was in love and it was time to be honest with myself. I divorced. it was time to start over. The relationship only lasted a few weeks after we moved in together, he coming home and saying "this isn't working out" Funny we always stayed friends, I never blamed him, I needed a way out of the marriage but would have never been strong enough on my own, I now believe God provided for my needs very well.............
Phase Three....... "What Now?" It wasn't long, maybe a few months seems, when the organization had "new light"!! People who disassociated themselves were even worse than disfellowshiped, they had turned their backs on God purposefully. Families could no longer even speak or share a meal with us. It was easier somehow, I had been trough it before, I didn't feel very loved anyhow when they could jerk it away as fast as they handed it out, Time to move on...... but how? I decided I had nothing to loose and wanted things in my life that had always been bad to be better, I sought out professional help. 15 years off and on. Two professionals that to this day I consider best friends, I wanted change and I remember Sue saying to me, I don't think I ever have had a client come farther faster, I was hungry for change. Eventually, years later, Karen called me into her office and said, "I don't want to see youprofessionally any more" ???????? what???? she said you may have had some issues at one time, but you don't anymore, you need to do this on your own and you are perfectly capable, sessions are only me doing the work for you any more and allowing you to be lazy, you graduate! It wasn't long after that on a trip out of town (age 46) my birthday trip, that I got de- pressed, wasn't sure why,I stayed that way for six months when suddenly the light bulb went off. I hadn't turned heads........ it happens to us all eventually. I had lived on my looks for years. I couldn't anymore. I decided I needed to have something beside looks to survive. I looked inside and liked what I saw for the first time. My self esteem was complete finally after all those years. Time to begin living a really good life, and it has been. All up hill. Back up, Shortly after divorce I received a letter from my blood mother. I opened it. inside was only a newspaper clipping "The Gay disease" it was here HIV. Across the newspaper clipping in black felt tip she had simply wrote "This is how you will die!" I sometimes think that this is why I am still HIV negative, God and I will prove her wrong! I had a few partners some of tem passed on, yes I have certainly been exposed. My spiritual life slowly crept back though I used drugs to escape back there for a few years ( I was never a good drinker thank God) I would be in a gutter now if I was. I was very "new aged" in my belief systems, I had always be phycicly talented. It was easy, I read cards, I did out of body travel I experienced it all. I developed many belief systems that I hold to this day. during that time. I met a man that I fell in love with, he was a gospel singer and traveled with a group singing for Metropolitan Community Churches, He encouraged me to go to church with him, I did, boy was I frightened to walk through those doors, I knew lightening would strike. It didn't, the pastor was very nice, I told him I wasn't a Christian. He was fine with that, said he found allot of new age thinking very acceptable. I sat in the back while service went on. I found it a great place to meditate and commune with my "higher power" but........ slowly, very slowly, very very slowly, It started as I remember, first enjoying the music..... then more and more. A while later, along with another gayXJW I attended my first homosexuality and the bible workshop. We both sat there with our mouths open. neither of us could believe it . The explanations were reasonable, historically backed, proved so clearly, The six scriptures used to condemn me all my life, weren't about me after all. they were about someone else...... so simple..... (ask me about this if you wish you will find my email addy here) I've asked and inquired many seminary students studying Hebrew and Greek since and all have said yes there is no evidence that these scriptures refer to homosexuals though it is easy to think they do. I became a member of Metropolitan Community Church later, and am still a member today.
Well, thats most of it, but a couple of other things you may be wondering about.....
I had met a black woman when I was about 5 in the Kingdom Hall, we clicked and remained friends always. When my parents disowned me the second time she said, Well, I have always felt you were more my son anyway. She became my Mom of choice, my real Mom adoupted means nothing I learned, it's not about blood, it's about who loves you. She loved me. She will always be my Mom, When my sister came out years later, she said well I now have two kids, and she did. She will always be "Mom" to us, when we talk about our other parents, I call them my blood parents, I believe my sis calls them by thier given names...... The world is full of wonderful people, make family. know that love makes a family. Secondly, how do I feal about the "Organization"? that was quit the walk in itself. very slowly a peice at a time. A roommate was the first to make me see that it truly is a cult. He said, a cult is an organization that keeps beautiful pictured in front of you in promise, at the same times keeps the blinders on you. I said "Well"....... he being familiar with the wittness said "Get real have you ever looked at like the pictures in that Paradise book? they are totatly surreal" Yes, that's what they did to us, kept the pictures of promise before out eyes, and treatened us with loss of life if we looked right or less, no friends out side of the Org. Later I read Brother Franz's books and let go of many doctrines that I still felt were reasonable. I knew they were a cult a gain the day I happened to call my blood mother, the conversation went where it always did, of course, they know nothing else. I took her to the bible and showed her that there was truly nothing there to condemn homosexuals. She didn't know what to say, the phone went dead for a min. Then the woman who has been a Jehovah's witness for 6O some years said to me "Well I may not be the best student of the bible but as for my I will go by what the "Good and Faithful Slave" tells me"" I knew then that the bible wasn't the important part past a point and when the Slave told them the way to the New Order was with a pill, she would swallow without question.. On the other hand all those years of therapy had taught me to forgive and move on. So I have no ill feelings for the Slave. It's about on the same level to me as many other Man made organizations, a mess, but an avenue of spirituality. I believe God reaches out to us where we can be comfortable recieving. In Love. Those avenues vary from person to person, God created the diversity, and willed the same diversity to reach back. Our relationship is personal. And amazing I like a church to worship formally sometimes, I don't expect much there anymore, I know they are corrupted by humans so I don't look for right/wrongs.
You may reach me with questions or thoughts at:  this is simply MY experience, you need find your own, something that makes YOU complete. I will not debate my experience. It is simply that, my own. If it helps you life to read it,,, Amen, if not bless you!! Huggs, Tim |
