Keep the Faith or Lose the Family

Jehovah's Witnesses speak out: Part Three

By Bobbi Dugan

When the idea for this series was conceived, we invited gay former Jehovah's Witnesses to tell their stories. Response was overwhelming, and we could not speak to everyone. Jim Moon, webmaster of Internet support group site A Common Bond, flew in from San Francisco to share his story. Also at that initial meeting was Mark Miller.
Later, five more Phoenix-area residents participated in a round-table discussion of their experiences. We interviewed other gay former JWs from all parts of the country, via telephone and e-mail.

Those contributing to this final segment are male and female, in their early 20s to late 50s. They are white, Hispanic, and African-American. Some were born into the Jehovah's Witnesses; some joined later in life. All share a common experience. They were rejected by their religion, and often by their families, because they are gay.

So different and yet so alike

Moon left his birth religion "because of its condemnation of gays." While a teenager, he met some Jehovah's Witnesses who persuaded him to sit in on weekly Bible studies. "The elder was a master salesman, and he knew all the right things to say and the right scriptures to read," Moon said. "Armageddon was right around the corner." It was supposed to occur in September 1975, the elder said. That religious man counseled Moon "that in order to guarantee my immortality, all I had to do was to 'stop being gay' for a few months, and after I survived Armageddon, I would be 'perfect.' So my sexuality wouldn't matter any more. I was sold!"

When Armageddon didn't happen, Moon struggled for the next few years to be a good JW and suppress his same-sex desires. Inevitably, Moon met a man and began spending time with his new "best friend." "In order for the JWs not to accuse him of being a 'bad association,' I started a Bible study with him. ... One night, both of us had too much beer and we found ourselves in bed," Moon said. "I woke up the next morning in absolute terror." As the religion dictates, Moon confessed his sin to the elders. Because he was "repentant," he was given a "Private Reproof." It turned out not to be so private. "Word spread through the congregation like wildfire, and I was treated like a leper," Moon said. Moon tried for several more years to get things right, but finally he was disfellowshipped. "I was told Jehovah no longer loved me," Moon said.

Miller was raised a Jehovah's Witness. When he became aware of his sexuality, he tried to keep it a secret to protect his family. He knew practicing gays were disfellowshipped. That means family members can not associate with the banned member. But congregations deliberately are kept small, Miller explained, so that members can watch one another. Once sexual indiscretion is suspected, the suspect often is followed or spied upon, he alleged. Miller moved to another town to escape watchful eyes. He claimed the church's elders "stalked" him. "I had to say, if you don't stay away from me, I will slap a restraining order against you," Miller said. That legal maneuver worked for about two years. But eventually, everyone from his former life knew about Miller's homosexuality. The elders had to do something.

The worst part of being disfellowshipped was, "I bought into that I had really done something wrong ... that God had turned his back on me," Miller said. He admitted that at the time he didn't know what to expect from his family and friends. He said JWs treat disfellowshipped members with anything from "you don't even look at them" to "well, it's family, you be courteous."

Miller said his mother wasn't exactly courteous. He got "scathing" letters from her. When she learned he had his ear pierced, she "went through the whole thing about what homosexuals did and I was filthy." Miller said his mother believed the earring was to advertise that he wanted to have anal sex with men at any given time. Miller reacted to her suggestion with, "Really? Well, it hasn't worked yet!" Miller said the JWs "are palming themselves off as being loving, gracious people ... and look at the hate they teach." He and his mother have reunited and made their peace--but not until after years of suffering for each.

Five more people--five similar stories

The five panel members shared the impact revealing their sexual orientation had on them and their families. Silvana S. grew up in Spanish-speaking JW congregations. She said they have a different attitude about sexual matters. "You didn't talk about stuff like that," Silvana said.

When she began attending English-speaking congregations, Silvana discovered gays are considered "okay as long as you are not 'practicing.'" She said English-speaking congregations are obsessed with homosexuality. Silvana laughs a little about her "coming out." She was married and lived far from home. She said she realized she is a lesbian when she bought a pair of cowboy boots. "My husband said I looked like a dyke. I knew what I was doing was a lie. I had a moment of clarity with those boots!" Silvana kissed her hubby goodbye and found herself some lesbian friends. "They became my family."

When Shanon A. was "maybe 17," his mother figured out he is gay. "She told me to go talk to a [JW] brother. She said it would be confidential." Within days, "everyone knew. I was asked to leave people's homes and functions. Typical shunning." He was held up to ridicule in front of his congregation when an elder warned, "There is a homosexual wolf coming in to get our children." Shanon ran away. As a teenager living on the streets, he said he was asked to testify in a court cases against his former religion regarding his opinion regarding JW children running away from their family and church situation.

Melissa R., whose father is a JW elder, said as she grew up, she attended three Kingdom Hall meetings a week. There she heard that homosexuality is "not just a sin, but a gross sin." It was difficult to hear about lesbians "being the laughingstock of the congregation," Melissa said. When she couldn't stand it any longer, "I just walked away." She has been free of the JWs for the shortest period of time of all the panel members. She can't get through her story without crying. Melissa misses her family greatly, but worries if she contacts them, she will be disfellowshipped. "And my brother won't even talk to me," she added tearfully.

Everett I. also confessed his first gay experience to a JW "brother," who immediately told the elders. "The emotional scars are still there," Everett says of the resultant furor. Everett loved his religion deeply. "I wanted to stay." The psychological stress of following the church's dictates and to suppress his homosexuality eventually caused him to be hospitalized. When he finally was disfellowshipped, "My mom kicked me out. She said, 'we aren't supposed to talk to you.'"

Scott M, chastised as a child "not to act like that or people will think you are queer," knew he had no choice about who he was or how he acted. So rather than suffer the indignity of being found out and then disfellowshipped, Scott refused to be baptized into the sect and left at age 18. He recalled how he had been mocked, shunned and even sexually abused by the people who were supposed to love and care for him. "How can this be God's organization?" he asked.

And more mail

We heard from others. Austen M, in San Diego, said that six months into marriage he realized he is gay but didn't want to tell his wife. But it wasn't long before she and his congregation suspected. His wife and elders followed him. "It was like a witch hunt," he said. "Like the CIA looking over my shoulder." Austen wanted a separation from his wife and to leave the religion, but he didn't want to be disfellowshipped because of his relatives. Instead, he avoided meetings and his pioneer duties, in order to be declared "inactive." But the elders "were not going to let that happen," he said. They "stalked" him until "they broke me down. I was almost suicidal. I lost 35 pounds."
The sect's persistence paid off. JW elders caught Austen in the act, so to speak, and he was disfellowshipped. Sure enough, when this happened, he was cut off from his family. The thing Austen remembers most about growing up a JW is not having a normal childhood. He said children of JWs do not celebrate birthdays, Christmas or other holidays. Because of this, JW children often are teased and taunted in school.

We still are receiving stories from gay former Jehovah's Witnesses explaining the reason for their anger and pain and why they tried so hard not to be found out. Shanon summed it up. "It's your family's duty to excommunicate you. Well, I could do without the religion. It was my family I wanted to keep."

Those who beg to disagree

But there are those who disagree with how the panel characterized their life as JWs. Gary e-mailed his response. "I am a very gay, very ex-Jehovah's Witness. I am a very active member of the Mid-Atlantic Chapter of 'A Common Bond,'" he wrote. He said the original article (Echo No. 242) contained glaring "bogus statements and misrepresentations." Gary wrote, "I am not here to defend Jehovah's Witnesses. However, it is a great disservice to our support group (A Common Bond) when such clearly twisted and false information is represented in the media, especially by bitter former members (and most of us are not bitter)."

Gary said he is saddened to think a gay/lesbian JW who has seen the stories may not seek out help from A Common Bond. On the other hand, in his last sentence Gary recognized how tough it is to be a gay JW, when he concluded: "Your article will unfortunately force many tormented individuals to stay silent and continue in their torment!"

Another e-mail response came from Don S., who said that in his experience, Jehovah's Witnesses taught that God gave us a freedom of choice. "They understand that there are many viewpoints on religious belief," Don wrote. "Jehovah's Witnesses try to give a different and, in their view, 'true' viewpoint. It is up to the individual to decide." Don acknowledged that he was worried that he would be discovered as gay, but asked, "Isn't that what someone does when they are doing something their belief denies?" At the same time, because his father accepted his sexual orientation with love, Don said he never felt that he was "marked as a sinner." Don left the religion "for my own reasons" several years ago, but wrote, "I still believe many of the things that the Witnesses teach. I have just chosen another path."

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