ANGER

by a former Jehovah's Witness who is now a Marriage and Family Therapist

Anger. It's a feeling that can consume and destroy; it's a feeling that can set appropriate boundaries with others and protect us; it's a feeling that many of us don't know how to handle. Many of us were taught that anger was considered "unbecoming for a Christian" and were expected to take our less attractive feelings underground. We may feel angry over losing out families and friends, we may feel we've lost time and experiences, or we may feel angry over being betrayed or rejected by people we once believed held us close in a confident and loving embrace.

These are normal feelings. Yet, having been trained to avoid angry feelings, many do not know how to manage them now that there is some freedom to feel. For some, the dysfunction comes in continuing to deny angry and hurt feelings. We continue on with smiles, looking good, never letting anyone, maybe not even letting ourselves, know what is going on inside. This kind of approach to dealing with anger can lead to depression or self destructive behavior like drinking, drug abuse or suicide. When anger exists and has no place to go outside the self it, like pressure in a valve, seeks a place to vent. If it cannot be vented on the object of our anger, then it either becomes displaced (vented on some unwitting victim - a partner, a child, traffic, people who disagree with us, the dog) or repressed (turned inward on the self in depression or self-destructive behavior). The anger is vented, but not in a healthy or appropriate way, and ultimately causes more problems.

Another danger of anger is getting caught up in a vicious cycle. This is a situation where the anger is vented at the object intended, but never let go of. The angry person never finishes being angry, but holds onto his or her anger like a security blanket. The anger becomes a way of identifying who we are. Unfortunately, the real victim of this scenario is the angry person him/herself. The anger blots out all other feelings, stymies growth, and interferes with relationships. Instead of moving through the anger to a place of acceptance and maybe even forgiveness, it is held onto and re-fueled, like a tiger by the tail. This person is never able to move forward into a new life, never able to find peace of mind, and remains trapped in their anger.

Healthy anger is expressed, worked through and let go of. It is a way to set boundaries with others and let them know when they've gone too far. Healthy anger is like a bright flame that burns and cleanses, and then goes out, not a smoky tire fire that burns and pollutes for months or years.

If you find yourself in either of the categories above, it may be time to take a good hard look at yourself. The first step towards change is awareness of the need to change. If taking a good look at yourself and sincere effort does not release you from your anger, then perhaps it is time to ask for help, either from loved ones or perhaps a professional. From self-awareness, there are many paths to peace and true freedom, not all of them easy, but definitely worth the effort.

The author of this article, a Marriage and Family Therapist, holds a Masters of Science degree in clinical psychology. She practices in San Rafael and Petaluma, California, and specializes in counseling infertility patients and former Jehovah's Witnesses. For more information, please contact the webmaster of this site.

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